looking for insight



looking for insight


Hi I gotta say I love this sight and message behind it and just wanted to contribute to the ongoing debate. I am in a 4 year relationship with an older man about 16 years older than me. recently I found this sight and decided to stop being analy receptive. My BF isn't very happy about this, and thinks it is a ploy for me to hold power over him. some background: My first good sexual incounter was with a buddy. We mostly just jerked each other off and some times 69. However a more experianced and effeminate freind encouraged us to do anal. at first I HATED it, but over the years grew to enjoy it and even crave it. Now having more information, and after 2 bouts with piles(not fun) I want to give it up, however I am having trouble not fantasizing about it sometimes. I guess fo so long I thought it was what I deserved for being a "weak fag" and some how even the pain felt good.... up to the present.. My BF is a great guy and our sex life hasn't been explosive scence about a year into the relatioship, so He is ok with not having anal but still insist on one sided sex. He's not into foreplay and expects that his cock be serviced. I've tried to rub cocks with him but he says it hurts and that I'm poking him. Things are improving though he used to get up and leave the room before I could even finish. I supose it is my fault for being his hole for so many years. But I have a fealing all of his relationships have been this way. He is a large agressive man and has always had men linging up to be his bitch. I's it unfair for me to take that away from him? I gave him the link to this site but he rarely considers others opinions and has to be right all the time. I'ts not all bad though we do complimint each other a lot. He takes care of buissness I get him to lighten up. We own proporty together and are working well twords finatial security. so there are a lot of thigs worth saving. so what do you guys think can a realtionship that started off Top/Bottom be fixed, or am I wasting my energy. thanks for any advise offerd.

Bill Weintraub

Re: looking for insight



Thank you for your post.

I'm glad you like the site and very glad you've stopped doing anal.

I thought [anal] was what I deserved for being a "weak fag"

The essence of Frot is equality.

In the past, in would appear, you've played the role of "weak fag" and your BF has been "dominant."

I's it unfair for me to take that away from him?

Of course it's not unfair.

What was unfair was what was happening when you guys were doing anal, with him penetrating and damaging your anus.

And you being expected to lie there passively and accept it.

And it's interesting in that regard that when you've tried to do Frot with him, "he says it hurts and that I'm poking him."

Frot doesn't hurt.

Anal hurts.

Frot is pure male-male genital-genital sex, both your bodies are hard-wired to enjoy it the first and every time.

Clearly, he's uncomfortable with you taking a masculine role.

He wants to be the one who pokes.

When you assert yourself as a man, he wimps out -- even to the point of leaving the room.

And he still demands that you "service" him orally.

No 69?

Why not?

Sexually, your BF is a classic bully -- he can give it but he can't take it.

That's a problem.

I supose it is my fault for being his hole for so many years.

No, that's not your fault.

You were doing what the culture -- "a more experianced and *effeminate* freind encouraged us to do anal" -- told you to do.

Analism and its cultural messengers -- guys like your "effeminate friend" -- are the problem.

Not you.

So: can a relationship which started off "top/bottom" be fixed?

You've said that there are a lot of other things going for you guys besides sex.

That's important.

That's an incentive for your BF to do what you're asking him to do: rethink your sexual life and accept a new equality between you.

But as I've said repeatedly, when guys are living in mainstream gay culture as you are, that change won't come easily.

Because everything in that analist culture tells your BF that anal and top/bottom is how it should be.

All you can do is what you've been doing:

Show him an alternative.

And of course it's very important that you NOT do anal with him -- ever again.

Also, JK, you need to be VERY clear about issues around effeminacy and gay culture.

JK, you can't support effeminacy.

You were acculturated into anal by an effeminate friend.

You've been playing the role of "weak fag" and "his hole" for years.

Not good.

You're not a hole and you're not a fag.

You're a man.

The challenge for your lover is to accept you for who and what you are.

Not what gay culture says you should be.

Good luck to you -- I hope you guys can work things out.

Oscar Moreno-Vallejo

Re: looking for insight


Hi gearheadfl !!!! I am glad you like our "sight" and the message "behind" it . It is here for you to help you. . Free and with no annoying ads. It's "site" man OK? And there is not a message "behind" like in the "back" of the website. The message is at the front and it's very visible and clear:


I am sorry about what is going on with your partner.

You are concerned about your relationship with him because you love him right ?

I am sorry about you because it must be hurtful to fight with your mate over a issue so sensitive.

But on the other side it is great that you are talking about something that important.

Conflict is not negative per se.

It's not meant to be pursued but if it appears it becomes a challenge. A chance to learn and to progress. The purpose in life is not to avoid it but to "use" it instead and "manage" it to lead it to something good.

So now you have a conflict. An issue

It's so sad.

We promote FIDELITY. We want solid strong and committed long term male-male relationships. And a troubled couple is not meant to last.

But on the other side you can not build a loving powerful and true love link with your man based on selfishness confusion lack of communication and abuse.

So it is great that you are having this conflict so you could reveal your true selves to each other.

I quitted anal just like you. I understand you.

It's very easy to quit anal.

And doing so you minimize your risks of getting dangerous disease and health conditions to a minuscule possibility without quitting orgasms.

Which is a pretty good deal to me !


You mention so many issues on your post that there is a lot of things that I want to tell you about them. But something very important to begin with :

I am sorry gearheadfl but you have strong communication problems with your partner. I say this because I see that you donít even know how he feels or thinks about your shared sex life.

You wrote:

"My BF isn't very happy about this"

And a then you wrote later

"He is ok with not having anal"

So ?

He is not happy and he is ok ?

You donít even know whether your partner is happy or unhappy or ok or not ok about the way you want to have sex with him.

I guess that there are a lot of things about which you need to talk to him

You say he "thinks it is a ploy for me to hold power over him"

How do you know this ? Did he tell you "I think you want to practice frot with me as a ploy for you to hold power over me" ?

How can he suspect such a thing to begin with ?

You need to talk.

Honestly Fearless and with True Love

About your priorities.

And your feelings and ideas about love and sex.

And about your expectations about each other and your motivations to begin your relationship.

And then I can bet...

You will see the truth about yourselves

You will know what to do.

Best to you dude...

And Bill .. I am sorry about that hospitalization you needed !

But I am glad that you are back to the battle man !

Hey Patrick take care of him brother !!!


Oscar Moreno-Vallejo

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