Problems with my partner


Danny Ingram

Problems with my partner


I've been with my partner for 10 years, and now he's complaining that he's done without anal sex for a decade and pressuring me to "expand" and "grow". I told him before we got together that I wasn't into anal sex. I've done anal sex before and didn't like it. I didn't like it for many of the reasons I saw on this website. My partner is convinced that I've had some traumatic experience in my past that has turned me off to anal sex. If I would only give it a try I could learn to like it. I don't like it. I know I don't like it. I think it is supremely un-romantic. I think its an un-loving thing to "do" to someone. I'm very, very glad I found this site. I sure could use someone to talk to who is in my same situation. Its been quite painful. I'm glad I found your site. For so many years I've carried around this feeling of shame and guilt. It helps to know that I'm not alone. Wow, does that sound familiar!

Bill Weintraub

Re: Problems with my partner


Why is Danny's partner demanding anal?

Because he's been told over and over again that only anal is true sex, and that true intimacy between men can only be experienced through anal penetration.

Over and over again.

Suppose, for the last ten years, Danny's partner had been hearing a different set of messages.

That there are a variety of ways for men to be intimate, and that one of the most powerful is phallus-to-phallus, an age-old and uniquely male celebration of the bond between two loving men.

Would he be demanding that Danny start doing anal?

High risk, smelly, shitty, anal?

Not likely.

And if he did, would he get any cultural or peer support for his demand?


Question: What are the vast majority of you guys doing to bring about a situation in which the Dannys of this world do NOT have problems with their partners.

Answer: NOTHING.

You don't donate.

You don't post.

You don't put Frot and Man2ManAlliance in your online profiles.

And you won't get involved in your regional chapters.

Instead, you send me emails in which you cry on my shoulder.

In terms of social change, you might as well go down to your local tavern and cry in your beer.

It just doesn't accomplish anything.

Let's look at what you put and don't put in your profiles.

Recently one of our donors directed me to a new profile he had up on one of the big gay dating sites.

He didn't have "Man2ManAlliance" in his profile.

I told him that, while I appreciated his donations, it made no sense to donate to the site and not tell others about it.

All that does is keep the site alive while simultaneously keeping it a secret.

Makes no sense.

This is also a guy whom I've asked to organize a Regional Chapter in his town.

So far he won't do it.

Well, let's look at Regional Chapters.

The best and surest way to meet other Frot men is to get involved in organizing a Regional Chapter.

After that, the best way to meet other Frot men is to participate in a Regional Chapter.

Is anyone doing either?

Except for Beagle in Portland and Joel in Mass, the answer is NO.

Beagle has been working his butt off trying to get guys involved.

Without success.

For example, Beagle put together an outing consisting of, for $15, lunch with members of the local pro baseball team followed by attendance at the game.

Brett would have done that in a country minute -- he loved baseball.

No one in Portland would go.

Why not?

Lunch with a bunch of hot jocks, a chance to meet and get to know your local Frot men, and a baseball game.

What's not to like?

How much time is required to organize a Regional Chapter?

Maybe two or three hours per week.

How much time do you spend fecklessly cruising the internet guys?

Figure it out.

Organizing a chapter is a recipe for success.

Cruising the net is a recipe for failure.

So: Danny's problems with his partner are not unusual.

They're commonplace.

And they'll continue to be commonplace until YOU act to change the M2M world.

Myself, Chuck Tarver, Mart Finn, and all the other men who've helped build our sites and the Frot Movement have given you the perfect tools for your liberation.

But you won't use them.

It's as though you've been knocked down by a gang of bullies who are kicking you to death, and there's an Uzi lying on the sidewalk beside you, but you won't pick it up and use it.

Fight back.

Save your life.


Re: Problems with my partner


Hi Danny. I want to say to you that I am 45 and I have been with my partner for about three years. I have been aware that I liked frot for many years but allowed myself to be pulled into other anxiety ridden and unfullfilling situations. When I first met him we participated in conventional sex and I decided that I did not want that anymore. I introduced the beauty of frot to him and that is what we do, but I still always feel that he wants to go back to the old way. If you have been with him for ten years and he is saying this perhaps he is sending you the message that he is bord with the mundainness of the relationship and perhaps you should go to unexplored territory in the use of frot. I rescently explored peeing on each other in bed like it was cum and then using it as a lube having and actual ejaculation sounds complicated but it was one of the hottest experiences that I have ever had and one that I thought I never would

Bill Weintraub

Re: Problems with my partner


Gordon and the rest of you,

1. Be realistic.

If your lover believes that anal is the ultimate expression of intimacy, peeing on him is not going to change his mind.

It's like the scene in the movie version of The Producers, when Gene Wilder is having an anxiety attack, and Zero Mostel throws a glass of water on him.

Wilder, who's been screaming, "I'm anxious," now starts screaming, "I'm wet. I'm anxious and I'm wet!"

So: throwing water on an anxious person does not decrease his anxiety.

And peeing on an analist, will not remove his desire to do anal.

If you pee on an analist, what you've got is a wet analist.

You haven't changed what he believes about anal and intimacy.

Until you change that underlying belief, his push to do anal will NOT go away.

Do you understand that?

Gordon, and the rest of you, I don't know if you read my reply to Danny, but I said, Why is Danny's partner demanding anal?

Because his culture has told him OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN that only anal is true sex, and that true intimacy between men can only be experienced through anal penetration.

Over and over and over again.

Until you join with us in working to change those cultural messages, nothing will change.

You'll always have these problems.

To repeat: You Gordon and you Danny and the rest of you need to work with us to bring about change.

Absent that, you'll always have these problems.

You can post about them all you wish -- but they won't go away.

2. About your partners who are putting you through this shit:

Boredom is NO EXCUSE for forcing someone to do something sexually he or she doesn't want to do.

Forcing someone to do something sexually he or she doesn't want to do is RAPE.

I wrote an article: Is Unwanted Anal Penetration Date Rape?

I write these articles to try to help you guys understand the fundamental realities of your lives.

Straight guys use emotional blackmail to force women to have oral and vaginal sex, and to force them to be penetrated anally.

And gay guys use emotional blackmail to force other gay men to be penetrated anally.

Blackmail is blackmail.

Rape is rape.

If a man uses threats of abandonment to force his wife to get buttfucked -- he's abusive and she's a battered woman.

Some battered women stick around for more battering.

Some leave.

And some do what Loreena Bobbit did.

But no one doubts that they're battered.

So: If a woman is forced to do anal by her partner, it's battery and it's rape.

But if a gay man is forced to do anal by his partner -- we're supposed to believe that it's okay cause it's part of being gay.

Guys, figure it out.

There's something really and terribly fundamentally wrong there.

3. For those of you who aren't already in a relationship, what I've told you, and other guys have said, is that the only way to do this is to make clear at the outset -- not on the first date but before the first date -- that you DON'T DO ANAL.


And that if he tries to make it happen you're out of there.

That's the point of the post titled No more fear.

Because the fact is: If you're in a relationship with an analist -- with a guy who sincerely believes that anal is the be-all and end-all of gay sex -- he's ALWAYS going "to want to go back to the old way."


How many times do I have to say this?

This won't change until you act to change it.


So it won't change.

4. Gordon, regarding what you might say to your lover -- or at least what I would say:

I would tell him that if he loves you, he won't pressure you to do something you fundamentally don't want to do.

And that if he loves anal more than he loves you, you can't be in a relationship.

I would introduce him to this site, and in particular to the article titled What Sex Is.

I would ask him if an anus is a vagina, and once he admits it isn't, ask him why the relationship depends on your treating it like it is.

Tell him you don't want fissures, you don't want tears, you don't want leakage, you don't want shit on your dick and you don't want your shit on his.

Tell him how you feel.

And tell him that his boredom isn't a reason to destroy your relationship.

You need to make clear to him that if every time he feels bored, you have to do anal or piss on him or ??? -- the relationship won't survive.

He either loves you or he doesn't.

Gordon, I have sympathy for any guy in this situation.

But I'd be lying to you if I told you that peeing on your boyfriend is gonna make things better.

It won't.

Bill Weintraub

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